FULL NEST SYNDROME

So many many mommies worry about the EMPTY NEST SYNDROME...
In fact just this past Monday night in the new season of ARMY Wives on Mnet, there was the theme again and it got me thinking about this.

It got me thinking about... my horsie...
Would I ever actually feel the "EMPTY NEST"?
Or would it be more of a FULL NEST SYNDROME?

At some point a mother of a child with special needs will allow herself to go to that ugly dark black wolf within her...the one that thinks about how hard - how tough it is raising a child with needs - that its almost entirely exhausting - so taxing, and will wonder will it ever END - will it EASE? or is this the life she is TRAPPED in - confined to?

Don't string me up and "burn me at the stake" for my utterly negative thoughts...but will I ever feel lonely? or will my Horsie be with us forever? It is daunting and frightening and awesome and great and ugly all at once. I want HORSIE TO LEAVE US (yes I actually verbalised that)- but I am also realistic...

He has moved up the CARRS Scale in terms of his diagnosis with Autism - to an expressive "MODERATE" but when oh when will the LANGUAGE come - the music to my ears "MOMMY" or "LOVE YOU?" and the FREE FLOW thereof???? He has some words here and there...but comon let it roll (Rocky rolls as ladybug says.)

Horsie is 5...5...
I want to start thinking horrid thoughts about saying good bye to my kids...and as in Army Wives be begged by my kids to get a dog or a cat to help fill the void...
I KNOW I MAY SEEM WEIRD BUT I WANT THAT...

But it just seems like my destiny - is more FULL than empty...yet another "special" difference in our lives!

Ok so I have laid myself bare...
I have shown you ...its not just all smiley faces and happiness...
Its NOT ALWAYS EASY raising our Horsie and ladybug
But...
Its always PROVOKING - thought, soul and body.

So if I have a fledgling...who stays longer than ever expected...he or she (lets face it ladybug is joined at my hip too) will just have to NEST WITH ME!!

Latches, Locks and Devices ...OH SO "OUR" Normal

Ok so some feedback...ladybug is on the mend...
She has 2 small incisions and today danced, rode her bike and even had a little swim.
Nana our "sleep angel" is having a much deserved TIME OUT in Cape Town...
and
Tomorrow I am being either REALLY BRAVE or REALLY STUPID and taking both Horsie and Ladybug to the Bryanston organic market to buy some smart bread for our boy. (we have run out - and boy is that an issue.)

But for tonight's topic...
Latches,locks and security devices.
Just yesterday whilst shopping at the best place known to womankind - WEST RAND PLASTICS
I came across an ingenious little device
A fridge lock...
Excited?!!!
Well for those of you who frequent our little "crazy" home
You will know that we lock our fridge, our pantry, our cleaning substances cupboard (the naughty cupboard as ladybug calls it),our bathroom, our bedroom, and we triple secure our swimming pool. (Net, fence and coded bicycle chain).

Horsie has this habit of getting into precisely everything he shouldn't!
So the fridge...well that is HEAVEN in an ice bucket for Horsie...all the good and BAD stuff is kept there - and HE KNOWS IT!!!!
 So we have to lock it to ensure that there is control over what he takes out to digest..he is on the GFCFGF diet (and now an Elimination diet from Hannah Kaye - jeez that sounds offish! ). He is literally eliminating bad stuff for his body...

Anyway my point is...I got so excited when I saw this lock for the fridge because it does NOT involve finding a key (which is not actually the original key to the fridge because Ladybug loves keys and hid it away) twisting the lock (because its a wee bit damaged from all the locking and unlocking) - No
This lock is so easy, you just hook and it clips closed, and unhook and open.
SIMPLE
EFFECTIVE

The next lock we need is for our pantry cupboard...the broken off key...is just NOT going to hold for very much longer.

And all this locking and unlocking is oh so "our" normal, we forget when we have friends over to tell them about the locking, and you should see their faces sometimes, almost FREAKED that the blady fridge won't open or that we lock our pantry (I mean "does one of us" have an eating disorder that we need to lock the food cupboard!) - NOT normal!

Our normal = not so normal
Wouldn't have it any other way...
For now that is...
he he he

Trying to mommy up from woesy to warrior...really stretching

SO ITS BEEN what seems like a solar system (OK trying) today at this point to be witty...
I'm failing miserably

Its been a long time since my last post.
So much to share...

First I have been through the most strenuous day in a long time, my ladybug had SERIOUS surgery
for spider bites today.
I had a pity party and asked the usual WHY ME questions WHY HER...WHY NOW? all of which echos back empty with no actual answers...
so why do we ask these questions?

It happened...we waited paced up and down the corridor, clock watched...

I made the hospital bracelets of which she had 3 in white pink and yellow seem like the latest french cutoure, the cot bed with its steel side bars seem like "CARS" latest game and the theatre garb I dressed in to carry my beautiful bug to the table...as the funniest thing I could ever wear...

And all through my insanity and craziness...my little ladybug smiled and with her deer eyes TRUSTED ME...

I quiver, I shake but in those moments I WAS HER WARRIOR...
No fear here.

But as I write this in the lazyboy...which many many previous worried sick mommies have sat in...I can only be glad that in some sense, even if it was only the tiny tiniest part of me (the cave woman part) was SUPER HERO albeit for those fleeting moments.

Please let me keep finding those warrior soldier moments within me to deal with the next few days!!
maybe I need to start channeling Joan of ark or....I don't know most of all my other incredible mommies I know - one of which is my OWN mommy.